Divorce, do you litigate or mediate? Well, do you want to be right or happy?

Someone once said:

“You can be right or happy.”

It’s true; and it’s a choice!

Okay, but how does that apply to divorce?

Trying to prove you are right usually means going to court, hoping that the judge affirms your view and declares you the just one. When you try to persuade a judge to adopt your view of “right,” you enter lengthy and costly litigation. In contrast, seeking to be happy usually means using mediation to work out a settlement so you can move on with your life. You save time and money.

Leaving aside situations involving abuse or criminal activity, couples should choose mediation over litigation. When you separate and divorce, you are dissolving a partnership. As with any other financial separation, if you minimize emotional reactions, you are can reach a fair outcome more quickly with fewer lasting scars. And you have are more likely to find happiness in your new, separate lives.

When emotions guide your finances, the outcome is not often the best. Going to court for your divorce will certainly cost more and take longer, but it is also unlikely to result in an outcome with which you are happy.


The typical cost for mediation in Massachusetts is $3,500. If you choose to go to trial, your cost will exceed $30,000. Add in depositions and expert testimony, and your total will easily exceed $100,000.


The time to complete mediation and sign a separation agreement to sign is up to you. Typically, you can be done in a couple of months. Litigated divorce depends on the judge’s schedule. This means that your first appearance could be six months or more from the date you file. If you have multiple days in court, the total time to completing trial and receiving a final decree from the judge could take well over a year.


Litigated divorce involves a battle to show who is right. Attorneys vigorously representing their clients can make the process seem quite nasty. This can lead to anger and hurt feelings that mediation may avoid.


Going to court to fight over finances does not project the best message to children who need love and understanding during the upheaval of their parents separating. The emotional impact of fighting in court can spill over into how parents interact when dealing with their children.

Better Outcome

Successful mediation often reveals possible solutions that other dispute resolution methods may not. If these solutions provide a better result for both parties, then mediation has created a better outcome. s

Save your time and money, use mediation. Then move on. You are likely to be happier this way.

Parenting, don’t fool yourself, it never ends – and you don’t want it to!

Good parenting never stops. You can always have a positive impact on the lives of your children, if you pay attention and employ good thinking. This remains true after they leave home, after they graduate college, after they get their first job, after you get a divorce, after they get a divorce, after they have kids, and so on.

Loving them no matter what

My divorce was quite unpleasant. After my ex-wife and I separated, my children were upset. One expressed anger and wanted little to do with me. I made clear that I cared and wanted to be in his life. So, over time, that attitude changed.

After some time, we met for dinner. The evening seemed to be going calmly, but then I said something that brought out his anger. I sat and took it. Because I listened to his anger, and continued to make clear that I loved him no matter what, this was a turning point. We have grown much closer since that evening.

Celebrating holidays

Holidays are always challenging. One year, in September, I asked about Thanksgiving. The response was, “I thought you said seeing us on Thanksgiving was not important to you.” I said that I had feelings that made me realize that was not completely true.

However, I backed off and I sent an e-mail saying that what was really important was to see my children together on any day, regardless of what day was. A few days later, I got an email saying that they wanted to join me for Thanksgiving. Messages like that will bring tears to your eyes! (And that was the best Thanksgiving ever!)


As an attorney and financial planner, I try to make sure my children plan well. On the other hand, I know saying too much turns into prying into their lives when they are striving to be independent. It can make them feel badly, as if they are not doing well or as if I am being critical.

After the divorce, my daughter needed some support from me. I asked if her mother was helping. She said yes, so I never asked again and provided what she said she needed.

Much later, I learned that she amassed several thousand dollars in credit card debt during this time. When she told me this, she also told me that she paid it off. Such an impressive accomplishment; you have to be proud of that!


So, my learning never stops, because I want to be better as a parent.
I count myself very fortunate for the close relationship I have with my children.
And what I can do to help my children continues!